Hi, I’m Paul Manafort, and I’ve been asked to tell my side of the Natalia Veselnitskaya meet by your intrepid and handsome pencil pusher durrati.
So here goes.
On the street they call me “Paulie Peanuts” but hey — you shouldn’t believe everything you hear, know what I mean? Despite what the movies tell ya, most of the mooks in my neighborhood weren’t Goodfellas, but wannabe wise-asses.
On the afternoon of June 8 last year I get this email from Donnie Dumb-fuck. Donnie is the son and a capo of our Godfather, Don “Big Ass’ Cornholeone. Of course we don’t call Dumb Fuck Dumb Fuck to his faccia brutta (see above), but mostly Jr. — when he’s around… but his moniker is bang on as you’ll soon see.
So Dumb Fuck sends me this email saying he’s got a meet scheduled for the next day with some Russian Lawyer who’s supposed to have Grade A, Kremlin approved pay-dirt on Cornholeone’s opponent in the upcoming election, Hillary Clinton. As the Capitan of the campaign, he says, I might want to hear what the shyster has to say. Big Ass’s son in law and made man (they give that shit out like candy these days) Jared “Jerry No Times” Kushner’s gonna be there too, he says. We call him “Jerry No Times” because what kinda fenucca name is Jared for a soldier, I ask ya? That and the fact that the guy never says shit...not even one time.
The next afternoon I leave Don Cornholeone’s penthouse suite to go down to Dumb Fuck’s office for the sit down. Big Ass isn’t about to go near any Russians himself, ya see. If something goes wrong later, say the Times or The Post gets wind of the caper, he’s got three stooges to throw to the wolves to get his own Big Ass off. I’m surprised he didn’t send his driver to the meet too. His plan is to stay in his apartment trying to play push the grub worm with his goomar while his already-paid-her dues ole lady is practicing dance moves at her Hot Yoga class.
I’m the last to show up at Dumb Fuck’s office cause Big Ass has held me up eating gabagool and talking Cypriot money laundering while waiting for his blue pill to kick in.
Probably still waiting…
I walk in and Dumb Fuck’s running off at the mouth as usual, while Jerry No Times fidgets in his chair like he’s late picking up his and Ivanka’s crumb-crunchers from pre-school, and Putin’s fee-chaser, this Natalia Veselnitskaya, is listening to her translator trying to decipher his gibberish. She’s a cute little devotchka, just the type I paid long green for my toupee and dental implants to impress. Maybe I’ll brush off my Russian and invite her to my suite after...
...but as I was sayin’, Dumb Fuck likes to talk, like most wiseguys who’ve got jackshit to say do, which is probably why he’ll pull a long stretch one in Allenwood of these days.
I sit down and pull up my finance ap on my iPhone and start movin’ some money around trying to keep one step ahead of the nosy Feds.
I keep a weather eye on the devotchka, tho...
“So Goldstone tells me you got the goods on Hillary...” Dumb Fuck says to the translator, “… I love it!”
“Yes, yes we have Kompromat, but first we must discuss Magnitsky Act...” replies the mouthpiece “this legislation hurts many people in my country who are in a position to help Don Cornholeone’s campaign.”
Jerry No Times arches his eyebrow at this, no doubt wondering if he can get those same “people” to throw cash at his money trap at 666 5th Avenue...first indication he’s even listening.
“Done!” says Dumb Fuck, “Repealed our first day in office, I promise! Now what’s the dirt on Crooked Hillary?”
Veselnitskaya leans into her translator, discussing the matter.
”Well, we have broken into the Democratic National Committee’s Computers and found out that Clinton was trying to beat Comrade Bernie Sanders.” The translator intones gravely.
Dumb Fuck takes that in, a confused look crossing his stunade face. I cock an eye his way, giving my best “What the fuck?” look.
Dumb Fuck wets his lips and says, “That doesn’t seem like much, lawyer lady, I hope you can do better that that. We’d hoped for video of her dragging Vince Foster’s body or a receipt for “services rendered” from King Abdullah or something like that... ”
Veselnitskaya prompts her translator.
“We also have determined that Donna Brazile gave Clinton questions CNN was going to ask her before the Debate with Sanders and that Wasserman Schultz sometimes ordered Thai Food at her desk and charged it to the DNC...” the translator offers.
“Mmmmmmm...” says Donnie “...still that’s kinda weak sauce, sister, you’ve come up with a big ask, reversing sanctions and all, and I really don’t see how this will help us much in Michigan and Wisconsin...”
The translator relays this to Veselnitskaya.
”But we will also release this though Wikileaks, so that all the voters can see what corrupt capitalists they all are. And we are currently trying to break into Podesta’s account so we can unmask his risotto recipe...”
Dumb Fuck does what passes, for him, as thinking for a moment then sighs and says:
“I don’t think we’re gonna be able to do business here today, Natalia. Goldstone said your Crown Prosecutor has valuable info to pass on, and this seems like small beans. But tell Vlad we still love him and we’ll try to do something about those sanctions, if we win, but that, frankly doesn’t seem too likely right now.” He says, spreading his hands.
Jerry No Times folds his Big Chief tablet and I close up my iPhone preparing to sidle up to Veselnitskaya and put some moves on her I learned in Kiev.
But Natalia whispers to her translator anxiously, goodbyes I’m thinkin’, and the mouthpiece blurts out…
“But we also propose to create a troll army of Hillary bashers to deploy on Facebook and Twitter, propagate thousands of false news stories and agitprop about Clinton on phony websites made to look like legitimate news sites, and regularly fly in buttloads of cash to help Don Cornholeone pay for his T.V. ads and his KFC habit throughout the campaign.”
Dumb Fuck now jumps up from behind his desk and shouts…
“Now yer talking! You gotta deal, lady, I’ll send a confirmation email to Emin in the morning! I love, love, love it”
Like I said, folks...a long stretch in Allenwood.