TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS... IN THE HOUSE

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS... IN THE HOUSE

Twas the night before Christmas,

when all through the house, The Freedom coalition

was beginning to grouse, Their stockings had hung

by the chimney with hope, But Speaker Ryan

had played rope to their dope.
When Boehner quit they had been all a twitter,
“We'll wreck this damn gubnit and dance in the litter!”
But Ryan grew a beard and played the adult,
With Pelosi he broke Hastert's GOP only cult.

Now out on the floor there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the office to see what was the matter.
Away to the gallery I flew like a flash,
Tore into some popcorn and opened my stash.

The lights on the marble shone like new-fallen snow
Gave lustre of mid-day to the loonies below.
What to my wondering eyes then staggers,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny baggers.

With a little old driver, like a doughy breadfruit,
I knew in a moment that it had to be Newt.
More rapid than eagles his baggers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Gohmert! now, Duncan! now, Huelskamp and Salmon!
On, Yoho! On, Ted Poe! ,On Gosar and Clawson!
To the top of the Dome! to the top of it all!
Now rant away! Rave away! Screech away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the baggers they flew,
With a boatload of lies, and that nutbag Gingrich too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The ranting and raving of each little goof.
As I drew in a one hit, and was turning around,
Down the chimney old Newster came with a bound.

He was dressed in Paul Stuart, from his head to his toe,
Like a turd dressed in worsted or a booger in a bow
A bundle of Bills he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a con-man just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose red from sherry!
His drooling little mouth was drawn up to his snout,
And his chins all quivered as he shouted out.

"Now Gohmert! now, Duncan! now, Huelskamp and Salmon!
Now, Yoho! Now, Ted Poe! , Now Gosar and Clawson!
Now vote out Paul Ryan and summon me back!
We'll repeal Obama care and recall that sad sack!

He was addled and insane, a right nutty old elf,
And I laughed when I heard him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went on a stroll,
And filled the baggers sox, with what looked like coal.
And putting his finger inside of his nose,
Then giving a nod, out the chamber he blows!

He sprang to his Caddy, gave his team the night off,
And away they all flew like spit from a cough.
And I heard Newt exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"