Dispatches from The National Emergency. The Horror. The Horror.

Dearest Emily,
The sadness in the woman's eyes beggared the imagination. With desperate heart, I seized her hand. "Do not despair, friend! For we shall outlive these horrors!"
"Sir," she responded with infinite kindness. "This is a Wendy's drive-thru."#NotesFromNationalEmergency

— Mike Sell (@mike_sell) February 17, 2019

#NotesFromNationalEmergency
Even now hundreds, if not thousands, of illegal butterflies are crossing the border at the National Butterfly Center to steal our nectar.

— Smokey T. Cat (@SmokeyTCat) February 17, 2019

For some reason I can’t tune in to all the reports about caravans, MS-13, and illegal drugs being smuggled into the country because networks insist on covering mass shootings instead.#notesfromnationalemergency

— Ada Caceres (@adacaceres) February 17, 2019

Day 2, I fear I've already lost my children to a non stop binge of "Plaza Sesamo" and tortilla chips. I've built a cardboard wall around myself but they keep climbing over it. #NotesFromNationalEmergencypic.twitter.com/DwXMxL9TvB

— Thomas Shaw (@jQuerious22) February 17, 2019

Day 3. A man walked out of the dollar store with, among other items, 3 rolls of duct tape. He got into a Dodge Caravan. Co-incidence? I wonder... #notesfromnationalemergency

— Brad Wietersen (@ImBradMan) February 17, 2019

They're bringing garlic.
They're bringing limes.
They're guacamole.

And some, I assume, are good avocados. 🥑🥑🥑#NotesFromNationalEmergency

— Jeff in RI 🇺🇸 (@JeffFromNH) February 17, 2019

Dearest Emily,
We're out of mixer, making do with the grape juice boxes brave Billy found in the garage. Sahar, always so clever, is making shandies, and her courage inspires us all. The WiFi signal remains strong, as does my love for this nation.#NotesFromNationalEmergency

— Mike Sell (@mike_sell) February 17, 2019

Keep calm American neighbours.

We have armed a fleet of zambonies with beer, donuts and Tim Horton's coffee. Currently mobilized and headed south on HIghway I95.

Stay safe.
#NotesFromNationalEmergencypic.twitter.com/LgIxUaU4s0

— CanadianLitChick (@ConnieLukey) February 17, 2019

Do I need to come back from the lake house early for this? Susan won’t be happy. #NotesFromNationalEmergency

— @GeneralMaddow (@generalmaddow) February 17, 2019

Mah dear Sally: we are hunkered down in Brooklyn with only a week's supply of biodynamic wine and ethically sourced kitty litter. Perhaps you think we underestimate the gravity of our situation. We do not.  #NotesFromNationalEmergency

— Elizabeth Spiers (@espiers) February 17, 2019

I forget my ID, so the cashier at Whole Foods called the military police to kick me out and refused to sell me Kashi cereal or coconut water.

I was forced to drink tap water. This war is killing me. Send help.  #NotesFromNationalEmergency

— Red™️ (@Redpainter1) February 17, 2019

Outside I saw a brown man holding a roll of duct tape. I shouted from the window, “Where are the women you’ve trafficked? You bastard!”  

He stared blankly. “It’s me. Your neighbor Ed. I’ve lived next door to you for 20 years.”

A likely story. #NotesFromNationalEmergency

— Jennifer Korey (@JenniferKorey) February 17, 2019

The glazed donut supply is dwindling. I fear if the emergency continues, I will be forced to eat sprinkles. I hate sprinkles. Please end this suffering! #NotesFromNationalEmergency

— TheValuesVoter (@TheValuesVoter) February 17, 2019

I caught two brown people inside my house, eating my food, using my bathrooms, etc. Every time I called to them to “Stop,” they just kept avoiding me. I finally caught one by his arm, and he said to me “Dad, are you okay?” #NotesFromNationalEmergency

— I Resist (@bearandbugpapa) February 17, 2019

#NotesFromNationalEmergency Bought provisions (wine and tequila). Was fully prepared to loot, though it seemed unnecessary and perhaps unwelcome at Whole Foods.

— pumpkinandy (@pumpkinandy) February 17, 2019

#NotesFromNationalEmergency Crisis at Mar-a-Lago as the undocumented immigrant who usually does my orangeface didn’t show up today. Tried by myself but missed a big spot. Felt fat. Had two omelets and some pancakes to cheer myself up. Wore beige. Maybe not the best color for me. pic.twitter.com/Ist75CT8ir

— Donald J. Drumpf (@RealDonalDrumpf) February 17, 2019

My dog is of Mexican heritage and he has no immigration paperwork that I know of. Fearing deportation I’ve disguised him as a porcupine. #NotesFromNationalEmergencypic.twitter.com/8OgRnE9xbJ

— Scott Anderson Pulp Writer☯️Dudeist Priest (@KavaScott) February 17, 2019

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Running low on hamberders and covfefe.  Things have not been this dire since the Massacre at Bowling Green.

— CNYWitch (@CNYWITCH) February 17, 2019

#NotesFromNationalEmergency
All rise for our new National anthem:https://t.co/W8BETX9Z8n

— durrati (@durrati) February 17, 2019